By Paula Rowe
Doreen and Neil Farrington are new to our Maine Caring Families
Program, but they are veteran foster parents. They started this
important work in 1984 while living in California. Since then, they
have had over 600 children placed in their home. I interviewed
Doreen and Neil recently about why they started fostering and why
they continue to do it today.
Doreen reported that she first thought of becoming a foster parent
on Christmas Eve in 1983. “My daughter, Sandi, was Santa’s helper.”
A woman came to see Santa with four young children. Doreen
discovered that this woman was a foster mother and all of the
children were in foster care. One of the boys had been badly abused
and had a crater in his head where he had been hit. Another child
was just an infant. “It broke my heart.” Doreen knew then that
fostering was what she wanted to do. She said that it took some time
to convince her husband, Neil, but he agreed. She took the classes
and became licensed.
The following year, Doreen and Neil were providing short term
emergency shelter for five teenagers when Doreen became pregnant.
They stopped fostering for three weeks before their daughter, Ashli
was born and resumed fostering when she was three weeks old. Then,
they accepted six more girls into their home. The Farrington’s
continued to provide emergency shelter for teenage girls. Some of
the girls they were taking care of gave birth while at their home.
As a result, they sometimes had up to nine children in their home.
Doreen noted that she likes teenagers because she can talk to them.
“It is difficult to reason with 7 to 12 year olds. If you sit down
and talk to teens, you can explain and reinforce things.” Neil
added, “You go over it every day.” Both seem to enjoy the rewards of
seeing a child finally understand the concepts they are teaching
them.
Doreen said that she has had many teenagers she did not think she
had helped at the time they left her home. However, many of these
teens have contacted her when they became adults and told her how
much they learned when they were with her and her husband. For
example, Heather had lived with the Farrington’s for over three
years. When Heather was an adult, she contacted Doreen and told her,
“I hear myself say things to people that you said to me.” One 16
year old girl had only lived with the Farrington’s for one month
before she ran away. However, when she was in her mid twenties and
had children of her own, she told Doreen what she had learned. “I
see myself doing with my kids things you did with me. Every time I
go by Poway (the town where the Farrington’s lived in California) I
think of my time with you. It was the best time of my life.” Another
girl later told Doreen, “You’ll always be my mum.”
Doreen reported, “I can turn around the teens easier than younger
ones. They (the younger ones) have such a loyalty to their parents.
Trying to get them through visits to rebuild relationships with
parents, then if it doesn’t work, then trying to adjust to adoption.
That is a lot of emotional work.”
I asked Doreen how she and Neil decide whether or not they will work
with a child. She said, “You can’t go by what they say about a
child. Everybody is different with different environments… It’s like
Christmas. You never know what you’re going to get until you open
the door… You don’t know until the honeymoon is over. Then they test
limits and they either blow or settle. You are going to have a
chemistry with the kids. You won’t like every kid and not every kid
will like you. It is very important not to look at a kid’s past. You
need to feel (what it is like to be with) that child.” As a result,
Doreen and Neil like to meet the foster children before they take
them in. Neil added, “You can’t judge them the way you might have
been judged as a child. It is what their limits and abilities are.
Their upbringing is different than ours’.”
Doreen added that it is okay to say that you can’t keep a child, but
she and Neil are willing to try anyone. “You cannot take it
personally if you cannot save a child. They are all individuals and
everyone needs a different level of care. They might leave, either
runaway or go to a higher level of care, but they’ll take some of it
with them. You are going to make some difference.”
Doreen also likes helping the teenagers get ready for life. She
enjoys teaching them life skills and preparing them for adulthood.
At their home, they hire a cleaning professional for the heavy duty
cleaning, but each child has to do chores around the house. They
each keep their room clean and they do their own laundry. Other
rooms and the vehicles are cleaned as a family.
Doreen and Neil currently have four teenagers living in their home.
They recently adopted their 16 year old son. They also have one
foster child and two therapeutic foster children who work with Maine
Caring Families. I asked Doreen what she likes about working with
MCF. She said that she enjoys the weekly home visits by the support
worker. Having “someone to vent to without judgment every week” is
helpful. She also finds it helpful that we set up team meetings
bringing the team members together when needed.
When asked how the Holidays are better with the teens, Doreen said
that she enjoys seeing the children have a Christmas they might
never have had.
We would like to thank the Farrington’s for their commitment and
dedication to making the lives of teenagers better. We’d also like
to congratulate them on their recent adoption of their son, Seth.
Their daughter, Ashli flew in from California to be with her brother
and family during this special time.
