Session 5: Understanding the Child’s Experience of Loss
Parent’s Choices When Kids Disagree
Setting Rules and Consequences with Teens
The Four Conditions of Self-Esteem
Understanding and Handling of Feelings Typical of Children in Placement
Seven Core Issues of Adoption
Adopted children, adoptive parents, and birthparents have seven common emotional experiences that make them more alike than different and forever intertwined, said speakers at the 12th annual conference of the North American Council on Adoptable Children, held in August in California.
Sharon Kaplan, executive director of Parenting Resources, and Deborah Silverstein, a therapist in private practice, said recognizing and working through these seven core issues in adoption can be an enriching experience for members of the adoption triad.
The issues span not only the entire lives of those directly involved in adoption, but other generations, as well, they said.
1.
Loss
“Adoption is created through loss,” said Silverstein. “Without loss there is no adoption.” All birthparents, adoptees, and adoptive parents have experienced at least one major loss before becoming involved in adoption. Birthparents lose the child born to them; adoptees lose their birthparents; and adoptive parents lose the child that would have been born to them or the child they imagined they would adopt.
These losses and the way they are resolved figure prominently in the lives of those involved in adoption.
Silverstein noted that loss is part of the human experience and is sometimes necessary to gain new relationships, new jobs, and new experiences. Kaplan added that while losses are painful, they contribute to who we are as individuals, and therefore enrich our lives.
However, before losses can enrich our lives we must mourn them. Society encourages those involved with adoption to ignore their losses rather than confront them. Adoptive parents are expected to be happy; adoptees are expected to be grateful that they were adopted; and birthparents are expected to forget their loss or are made to feel that they don’t deserve to feel their loss.
Grieving is further complicated by the fact that there is no end to these losses. Yet adoptive parents, adoptees, and birthparents frequently engage in behaviors designed to retrieve and replace the losses.
Adoptees frequently imagine people they meet are members of their lost birth family. Birthparents wonder if children they encounter casually are their biologic children (although typically the children they notice are the same age as their children were when they were placed for adoption, regardless of how old the children would actually be). Adoptive parents may compare the child they adopt to the child they expected to have.
This theme of loss can affect individuals and families forever, both in their relationships and in how they deal with subsequent losses.
For example, adoptees may be uncertain about the permanency of relationships and not know how to “hold on” or “let go” in interactions with others.
Birthparents may dwell on the loss of their child and feel socially isolated by it. Adoptive parents may equate their loss of the ability to procreate as a loss of immortality and therefore a loss of themselves. They may fear losing their adopted child, either because they have already experienced the loss of a “dream child,” or because they question whether they are entitled to be the adoptee’s parents, and may develop an overprotective style of parenting.
2.
Rejection
One way people deal with loss, said Sharon Kaplan, is to try and figure out what they did wrong to cause the loss so that they can keep from having other losses. In doing this, people may conclude they suffered losses because they were unworthy of having whatever was lost. As a result, they feel they were rejected.
“Most triad members (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees) fear rejection and do everything they can to prevent it,” Kaplan said. They become “absolute people pleasers” to counter their feelings of worthlessness, or reject others before they are again rejected.
Adoptees often feel they were placed for adoption because they were worthless or defective. “They personalize their placement for adoption as rejection,” Kaplan said. “To be chosen, they must first be rejected.” Some may take responsibility for being rejected, believing they did something to cause it. Children adopted from other countries may feel rejected not only by their birthparents, but by their race, religion, or culture.
Not only can feelings of rejection lead to impaired self-esteem, adoptees may anticipate rejection and either set themselves up for it in their relationships or try to please others so they are not rejected.
Birthparents may reject themselves as irresponsible or unworthy to be a parent. They often keep the fact that they placed a child for adoption a secret because they fear people would reject them if they knew the truth.
Adoptive parents may feel that their bodies have rejected them or that a higher power has rejected them. The infertile partner may fear being rejected by his or her spouse. They may worry that the birthparents wouldn’t approve of the way they are raising their child or that their social worker is standing by to criticize them. They may fear that their child will someday reject them.
3.
Guilt and Shame
When people personalize a loss to the extent that they feel there is something intrinsically wrong with themselves that caused the loss, they often feel guilt that they did something wrong, or shame that others may know, Silverstein said.
Shame is a much deeper emotion than guilt, she said, because shame has to do with a defect in one’s self. Unresolved shame can lead to a sense of being inadequate, unworthy, or “bad.” Guilt is related to misconduct, and while people may regret their behavior, their actions don’t diminish their sense of worth.
Adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive parents may be “filled with shame for what they cannot ever become,” Silverstein said. Adoptees will never be the perfect child they imagine their adoptive parents wanted. Adoptive parents will never be their child’s biologic parent. Birthparents will never function as their biologic child’s parent.
Adoptees may also feel shame at being different, or feel that they deserve misfortune.
Adoptive parents may feel ashamed of their infertility, believing it to be a curse or punishment. As a result, some may experience a spiritual crisis. Parents who adopt special needs children may never feel “good enough,” Silverstein said, because their children still have problems. Some parents may feel guilty that they have not adopted more children or that they have not adopted children with greater problems.
Birthparents feel guilt and shame for placing their child for adoption, or for not trying harder to raise the child themselves. This is especially true of birthparents that abused their children.
4.
Grief
Because adoption is seen as a problem-solving event in which everyone gains, rather than an event to which loss is integral, it is difficult for adoptees, adoptive parents, and birthparents to grieve, said Kaplan.
There are no rituals to bury unborn children, roles, dead dreams, and disconnected families.
While everyone deals with grief in individual ways, there are five predictable stages of grief:
· Denial, in which the individual feels shock or detachment;
· Anger, in which the individual confronts the loss as unfair;
· Bargaining, in which the person thinks the loss can be recovered if he or she acts in a certain way;
· Depression, in which the person feels helpless and hopeless;
· Acceptance, in which the loss is temporarily resolved so that the person can function.
Kaplan stressed that these stages may overlap and may be experienced over and over again, though generally with less intensity as loss becomes more distant.
She noted that adoptive parents that adopt when they are still in the denial phase of grief are often “fear-laden,” and have difficulty facing adoption issues or the thinking of the adoptee’s birth family as real people. Parents who adopt in anger may have difficulty forming an attachment to the child.
Birthparents who feel they must keep their child’s placement a secret may stay in the denial phase of grief for a long time, Kaplan said, and forget pertinent information about the adoption.
Adoptees may have difficulty dealing with grief because they are not encouraged to mourn their loss. Indeed, adoptive parents may block the adoptee’s grief process because it feels like rejection to them. However, failure to grieve can lead to depression or acting out in the child or adolescent.
Adoptees also have difficulty grieving because they can’t fully understand their loss during childhood. “They can’t grieve fully until late adolescence,” Kaplan said. This necessity to grieve repeatedly as their understanding of adoption grows can lead adoptees to fear that their grief will never end.
5.
Identity
A person’s identity is denied from knowing what he is and what he is not. Adoption threatens a person’s sense of knowing who he is, where he came from, and where he’s going, Silverstein said.
Birthparents and adoptive parents are confused about their identity because they “are parents, yet aren’t parents,” she said.
“Birth parents lose part of themselves to the universe,” and their identity as care-taking parents to that child can never be reclaimed. Birthparents frequently have difficulty knowing how to respond when they are asked how many children they have.
The loss of procreation diminishes identity for adoptive parents because they do not have the sense of being tied to future generations.
Adoptees lose their family identity through adoption and “borrow” the identity of their adoptive families, but often “feel they are playing a role,” Silverstein said. Lack of information about their birth families may impede developing a sense of self, and negative information about their birth families can lead to a negative self-image.
Adoptees who do not have a sense of “belonging” to their families may behave in extreme ways to “belong,” such as by becoming “people pleasers,” or by joining cults.
6.
Intimacy
People who are confused about their identity may have difficulty getting close to anyone, Kaplan said. And people who have had significant losses in their lives may fear getting close to others because of the risk of experiencing loss again.
In addition, adoptees may fear intimate relationships because they may unknowingly be involved with a birth relative, or because they are unsure what they might pass on genetically to their offspring. They may also have difficulty getting close to others as a result of their early experiences with bonding and attachment.
Infertility treatments may have robbed adoptive parents of the “joy of intimacy,” Kaplan said. As their child grows, adoptive parents may be reserved about expressing love physically with their children because they think the incest taboo might not function in adoptive families. Or they may avoid closeness with their child because they fear rejection or loss.
Parents who adopt older children do not have a chance to develop intimacy with their child the way parents do with an infant, such as by diapering and bathing the child.
Birthparents may connect the loss of their child with the sexual encounter that led to the pregnancy, and fear intimacy because they believe it leads to loss.
7.
Control
All those involved with adoption have been “forced to give up control,” said Silverstein. “Adoption is a second choice. There has been a crisis whose resolution is adoption.”
Because human beings need to feel in control to feel secure, the loss of control in adoption can have a long-term effect.
Birthparents may emerge from the adoption process feeling victimized and powerless.
Adoptive parents have learned to be helpless. “They’ve learned they can do everything and still remain childless,” Silverstein said. When they do receive a child, they may not be able to connect the event to anything they did. Adoptive parents who do not feel entitled to be their child’s parent because their actions did not lead to the child’s arrival can be lax in parenting. Those who try to re-exert control over their lives may overprotect their children or try to control them.
Adoptees are either too young to be consulted about their adoption or are offered little alternative. The haphazard nature of how they joined their families can result in their having difficult understanding cause and effect. Consequently, they may act without a sense of cause and effect, leading to inability to take responsibility for their actions.
Working Through The Issues
Just because those involved with adoption must deal with these seven issues doesn’t mean it cannot be an enriching experience, said Kaplan. In fact, the growth that occurs as a result of working through these issues makes people more interesting. She believes it is essential for people to recognize that they have a right to be happy and that losses can lead to growth. Otherwise, they may become attached to their losses, preferring-the familiar -if unpleasant - to the unknown but possibly happier view of life.
In the accompanying article, Sharon Kaplan and Deborah Silverstein point out the ways that adoptive parents, adoptees, and birthparents may be affected by their adoption experiences.
While many people may realize that loss and grief are part of the adoption experience, they may not be aware of the impact these issues have had on their lives. For example, a woman may not realize that her irrational fear that her husband will leave her stems from feeling worthless because she couldn’t “give him” a child.
Kaplan and Silverstein suggest that people involved in adoption explore each of what they call the “seven core issues in adoption” to see how they have been affected by them. To do this effectively, individuals may want to go beyond their adoption experience and look at their feelings about themselves and their relationships.
For example, while it’s valuable to ask one’s self, “How has infertility made me feel out of control,” it is sometimes more effective to work backwards, asking, “How do I feel out of control? What experiences with infertility and adoption may have contributed to my feeling out of control?”
With that in mind, individuals can ask themselves questions such as these, some of which were suggested by Kaplan and Silverstein:
·
What losses have I had in my life and how have I coped with them?
· What or who am I afraid of losing? Is that loss a real possibility or is that an irrational fear? How might that fear be connected to adoption or infertility?
· In what ways do I feel inadequate or worthless or have low self-esteem?
· What do I expect from relationships? Do I think I must give more of myself to someone than they give to me? Do I expect to be rejected? Do I have close relationships that withstand difficulty or do I have a series of short-term relationships or only superficial relationships?
· Do I feel I must be “on guard” with people so that I only show my best side or am alert to early signs of rejection?
· How do I describe or define myself? Do I feel I am masquerading in a role and fear that others will discover I am not what I appear to be (competent parent, successful entrepreneur, desirable spouse)?
·
In what ways do I feel like a victim or controlled by others? How important is it for me to be in control of myself and of others?
Perhaps the most important question for individuals to ask themselves is how they have grieved for their losses in adoption. Silverstein says if people don’t know the answer to this question, it is likely they haven’t grieved.
To grieve, it is necessary to get in touch with the feelings resulting from loss. People who haven’t grieved for a loss suffered in the past may want to look at whether they have become “stuck” in a particular stage of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, or depression.
They may also want to look at behaviors they engage in that may keep them from experiencing the uncomfortable feelings associated with grief. Compulsive or addictive behavior such as overeating, substance abuse (alcohol, recreational drugs, or prescription drugs), or even exercising, cleaning house, or working excessively are all ways people distract themselves from feeling their emotions or numb themselves so they can’t feel them.
Some people may want to explore these issues or seek help in grieving from a therapist, social worker, or other individual knowledgeable about adoption issues.
Questions & Answers
Q. How can I say to my daughter that her birthmother placed her for adoption because she couldn’t take care of “any” child when her birthmother had another child who was not placed? When should she be told she has a biologic sister?
A. You can still say that your child’s birthmother couldn’t care for any baby born to her at this time in her life, as long as you emphasize that the birthmother’s circumstances and not some quality in your daughter resulted in the adoption plan. It’s very possible that the birthmother’s circumstances changed since the birth of her first child; for example, she may have become ill. Or perhaps she learned with her first child that the responsibilities of raising a child were more than she was prepared to handle.
You can tell your daughter that her birthmother probably didn’t place her other daughter for adoption when she became ill or realized that raising a child was too difficult for her because her other daughter was already used to her being her mother and it would have been too hard for her to get used to a different mother, but that when she was born, her birthmother decided to place her for adoption right away so she and her new parents could get used to each other.
Children are likely to be confused about the idea of having brothers or sisters who don’t live with them until they are old enough to differentiate between adoptive and biologic relationships. Sometimes after the age of 6, your daughter will probably wonder whether she has any biological siblings. If she doesn’t ask the question directly, you can volunteer the information during one of your discussions of her birth family.
From Adopted Child, October 1989
Seven Core Issues in Adoption, a two-hour videotape (VHS) featuring Deborah N. Silverstein, M.S.W., and Sharon Kaplan, M.S., with study questions and resource director.
“Seven Core Issues in Adoption: A Therapeutic Framework,” by Deborah Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, in Working with Older Adoptees, edited by Loran Coleman, Karen Tibor, Helaine Homby, and Carol Boggis. Presents therapeutic interventions clinicians can use in working with adolescent adoptees in light of the seven core issues in adoption.
™
The Feelings of Infertility
There are many feelings connected with infertility and all of them are difficult. Not all people feel them with equal intensity, but most who suffer through infertility will agree that they have experienced some or all of the feelings defined here:
Surprise
The first feeling, although temporary and superficial, is one of surprise. Most people just generally assume that they are fertile. One cannot, obviously, know if one is fertile until a pregnancy is attempted. Many infertile people give histories of using birth control for a number of years prior to discovering that they are infertile. Needless to say, infertility for such people is particularly unexpected and ironic.
Isolation
As the awareness of infertility grows on a couple, feelings of isolation and loneliness often occur. This is a personal and inherently sexual problem. It is not easy to talk about. Family and friends may keep an embarrassed distance from the subject, or they may do just the opposite and offer platitudes, misinformation and gratuitous psychiatric advice. "Relax!" "Take a second honeymoon." If the wife works, "Quit your job." If she is staying at home, "Why don't you work?" Many a helpful friend or relative will offer a story of a "miracle pregnancy" which happened to someone they know. And they all seem to have the name of a "good doctor" who can make everything right. This type of help is almost always directed at the woman in the couple, with the idea that infertility is a "female condition." With such attitudes, it is little wonder that many infertile couples choose to keep their feelings about infertility to themselves. This is unfortunate, because both members of an infertile couple are under stress, and often they have little or nothing to give each other in the way of insight or support. Marital stress and breakdown of communication can result, leading to further isolation of the individuals. Sometimes a little counseling or therapy for one or both of the members of the infertile couple can relieve the negative feelings and restore unity. A support group like RESOLVE (see resources), which offers group discussion for infertile women and men is a new and promising approach to dealing with the feelings of infertility.
Anger
When a couple enters a period of diagnosis and attempted treatment of infertility, they surrender much control of their bodies and destinies to the physician who treats them. Even in the best of medical relationships, the feeling of helplessness is extreme. At this point, anger is often displayed. The anger is often very rational, focused at real and correctly perceived insults, such as pressure from families to "produce" or the pain and stress of various tests or treatments. Some anger may be irrational, displaced onto targets such as the doctor or an adoption agency, but in reality is a result of the abject helplessness the person feels. Normally simple decisions about other aspects of life - whether or not to take a new job offer, whether to buy a home or stay in an apartment, whether to spend for the present or save for the future - are complicated by the overriding fact of being infertile and not knowing when, if ever, there may be children. It is particularly difficult when there is no outlet for this anger, as it usually ends up consuming the person involved with enormous self-loathing or being short circuited onto the next closest person, often a beloved mate or friend, who is bewildered and hurt by the intensity of anger. The best possible outlet is a "safe place" to go to talk out one's feelings and dissipate the anger. Therapy, counseling or a group like RESOLVE can provide such a forum.
Grief
When it is diagnosed that pregnancy will be impossible for a couple, the necessary and unavoidable feeling that must be experienced is grief. Denial or repression of this feeling will prolong the resolution process indefinitely. Grief usually runs the classic course of shock, suffering, and recovery. Each person goes through these stages in his/her own way and at his/her own speed. In order for there to be a grief process, a loss must be recognized. One very real barrier to the expression of grief is that family and friends may not be aware of the situation, and even if they are, may not perceive that a loss has occurred. The loss in this case is of a potential and not actual child, but the feelings are often as intense as if an actual death had occurred. The couple themselves may not realize that they have important grief work to do. In desperation they may turn immediately to plans for adoption, or may heroically espouse the child-free life. Undercurrent feelings of grief may linger indefinitely as symptoms of depression, fatigue, lack of energy, inability to concentrate, even physical discomforts such as headache. Total resolution of feelings of grief is not possible for most people - a little ache, a sad remembrance, even occasional tears over the loss may recur from time to time. But if grief is acknowledged and bravely undertaken, the majority of the difficult feelings over infertility will be worked through, leaving the individual and couple capable of looking to the future and getting on with life.
There are many other feelings that many infertile people share. Sensitivity to pregnant women, cute little children in the park, baby announcements and the like is very common. Suddenly everyone in the world seems to be gloriously pregnant or pushing a baby carriage. On the other hand, news of unwanted pregnancies, abortions, abandoned or battered children, even a neighbor who noisily scolds her precious children may convince the infertile person that fertility and infertility are handed out in a most unjust manner. Anger at God or Fate or Life is often extreme. Sometimes the infertile person extrapolates further on this theme and feels it is no use working at excellence in anything - a job, or education, or community work, since goodness and worthiness are obviously not rewarded in this scheme of things. Worthiness and fertility are not related. No matter what mythology, religion or culture would have us believe, pregnancy occurs when sperm and egg unite, not when God finds favor in a worthy person.
Guilt
There is often a component of guilt involved in infertility. Any person, bar none, can think of something he or she did in his or her life that makes him "bad." He or she may wonder, in a magical way, if infertility is the punishment for such wrongdoings. Sometimes guilt is based on real events, such as pre-marital sex, an abortion, a case of venereal disease, homosexual relations or masturbation. Many people experience any or all of these situations in life with no feelings of guilt whatever. Many people also experience these situations and do not end up infertile. The point is that there is no logical cause and effect between most life experiences and infertility. The issue of guilt needs to be sorted out from the feelings of infertility and worked through to some point of resolution or acceptance.
It is all well and good to talk of an "infertile couple," but when the final word is given, unless the problem is shared, one person stands alone for a time and realizes that he or she is the one who is infertile, and because of this, the marriage partner is denied genetic children. The infertile person may entertain fears or fantasies that the "fertile" partner may leave, or worse, will stay and be secretly hostile and condemning. There may be a period of turmoil in which the infertile partner behaves erratically and attempts to prod the other partner into revealing the dreaded negative feelings. This "begging the question" usually culminates in a frank admission by the fertile partner that both of them are hurt and disappointed by the turn of events, but that it is nobody's fault. This simple disclosure often lays blame away and allows the couple to resume a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust and love.
There is no health condition more threatening to sexuality than infertility. A man who is infertile seems to suffer keenly in his concept of masculinity and virility. This is especially true when the problem is one of absent or low sperm count. The process of being "counted" is intensely threatening to most men. Problems of deposition of sperm are also full of feelings of failure or inadequacy. When the problem is one of low motility or blockage in the transport of sperm, a man may accept the problem more philosophically. Such problems are usually acquired, not congenital or psychological and are usually less threatening. A man's feelings about sexuality are built on family and cultural input from the day of his birth. In some cultures a man is considered a failure if he cannot produce children - especially sons. A man is a product of and also a victim of such training and social pressure. The woman who is infertile also suffers in her sense of sexuality, and to a greater extent than a man, in her whole sense of identity. Some women of traditional upbringing define their entire existence around the role of childbearing and mothering. When this is denied, the person is not only left feeling she has no sexuality, she may actually think she has no purpose to be, no identity. It is important for both men and women who are infertile to redefine their concept of sexuality and identify around the fact that childbearing will not occur. They must come to see that they are neither defective, incomplete or impaired because they do not complete this one physiological process. Sexuality has been defined by Dr. Mary Calderone of SEIONS as, "the character and quality of the human individual as a man or woman." In this definition, it is interesting that no mention is made of marriage, sexual relations, or childbearing. A person who is single and celibate still has sexuality. So does an infertile person.
Women, more than men, seem to mourn the loss of the childbearing experience per se. Many women specifically grieve over the inability to see their bodies grow and change with pregnancy, and to successfully master the labor and delivery of a child. These events are often highly idealized and may be the subject of dreams or fantasies. It is particularly true of women who have lost pregnancies through spontaneous or induced abortion, that successful mastery of pregnancy and childbirth is important. Men, however, seem to mourn the loss of the child itself. They often focus on aspects of the genetic heritage that is ended.
Surgical removal of any or all of the organs of reproduction (as in total hysterectomy in young women) may precipitate a double-edged grief process. The person needs to grieve over the loss or organs and regain an intact body image, as well as to grieve over the loss of childbearing potential. The trade-off in most cases of extreme surgery, is that it has been done to halt some life-threatening or incapacitating condition. The person involved can usually find some comfort in the reality of improved general health and well being.
Infertile people sometimes feel that they have to defend their right to want to bear children in this time of world overpopulation and emphasis on Zero Population Growth. It is important to remember that Z.P.G. is based on a potential birth rate of 2.11 children for each couple of childbearing age. Infertility represents a denial of the basic right to choose whether or not to have children. It may not be a leading health issue of the 1990s, but infertility ranks with other major health problems in pain and suffering, emotional and financial expenditure.
™
Ann Coyne, Ph.D., School of Social Work, University of Nebraska at Omaha
Parent’s Choices When Kids Disagree
When kids disagree, you have choices on how to handle the situation. You can ignore it, change the environment, redirect the kids, offer them choices, or help them work it out together.
Ignore the Unacceptable Behavior
This works best when you focus attention on acceptable or appropriate behaviors at the same time as you ignore the undesirable behavior. How do you ignore a behavior? Act as though it doesn’t exist; you didn’t see or hear it. You may find it easier to ignore offensive behavior if you think of something pleasant. When should you ignore annoying behavior? When children are fighting to get your attention, and the fighting isn’t hurting either child, physically or emotionally.
Change Something in the Environment
Sometimes you can remove something or add something and the quarreling will stop. Rearranging things can work too. For example, if a four-year old and a one year-old are fighting because the younger gets into the older one’s toys, store the toys out-of-reach of the one year old.
Redirect Children’s Behavior
Tell the child specifically what you want her to do (an acceptable behavior), instead of just telling her to stop doing what she is doing (an unacceptable behavior). Tell her in a way that reminds her you like her, at the same time being clear that she needs to change what she’s doing. For example, when a child is hitting another, say “It’s not alright to hit. Touch your brother gently. If you want to hit him, tell me, and I’ll help you decide what to do.” When should you redirect a child’s behavior? Definitely when the situation isn’t safe, when a child hasn’t yet learned the social skill needed, or when you are too tired to offer choices or work through to a solution. Redirecting behavior is also a positive way to teach children what is acceptable.
Offer Alternatives or Choices
Think of an acceptable thing the child could do instead of the undesirable behavior and give him a choice. For example, “You can play with Joe without hitting him or play by yourself in your room.” Be sure you give the child only choices you and the child can accept. If you offer a choice that you or the child can’t really accept one or both of you will be unhappy if the child chooses it! When should you offer choice? When the situation is safe and you have the time and patience to. The choices can be simple for children who don’t speak, like “Give the book to Susan, or I will give it to her.”
Encourage Children to Problem-Solve
Children can learn to work out solutions themselves if you help them identify the problem, help them come up with other choices, help them guess possible consequences of the alternatives and help them make a decision. When should you encourage them to negotiate? If they already know how to listen to each other, how to come up with ideas and how to evaluate different choices.
™
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
The Power of Choice
Would you like to get your kids to willingly cooperate? Stop the daily battles? Teach your kids valuable life skills? If your answer is “Yes! Yes! Yes!” then read on . . .
There are so many things we must get our children to do and so many things me must stop them from doing! Get up. Get dressed. Don’t dawdle. Do your homework. Eat. It goes on and on. We can get our kids to cooperate and at the same time allow them to learn self-discipline and develop good decision-making skills. How? By offering choices.
Giving a choice is a very powerful tool that can be used with toddlers through teenagers
This is one skill that every parent should have tattooed on the back of his or her hand as a constant reminder. Parents should use this skill every day, many times a day. Giving children choices is a very effective way to enlist their cooperation because children love having the privilege of choice. Choice takes the pressure out of your request and allows a child to feel in control. This makes a child more willing to comply.
Using choice is an effective way to achieve results, and when you get in the habit of offering choices you are doing your children a big favor. As children learn to make simple choices-- Milk or Juice?— they get the practice required to make bigger choices—Buy two T-shirts or one sweatshirt?—which gives them the ability as they grow to make more important decisions—Save or spend? Drink beer or soda? Study or fail? Giving children choices allows them to learn to listen to their inner voice. It is a valuable skill that they will carry with them to adulthood.
You should offer choices based on your child’s age and your intent
A toddler can handle two choices, a grade school child three or four. A teenager can be given general guidelines. Offer choices such that you would be happy with whatever option your child chooses. Otherwise, you are not being fair. For example, a parent might say, “Either eat your peas or go to your room,” but when the child gets up off his chair, the parent yells, “Sit down and eat your dinner, young man!” (So that wasn’t really a choice, was it?)
Here are some ways in which you can use choice:
Do you want to wear your Big Bird pajamas or your Mickey Mouse pajamas?
Do you want to do your homework at the kitchen table or the desk?
Do you want to wear your coat, carry it, or put on a sweatshirt?
Would you prefer to let the dog out in the yard or take him for a walk?
Do you want to run up to bed or hop like a bunny?
What do you want to do first, take out the trash or dry the dishes?
Do you want to watch 5 more minutes of TV or 10?
A typical problem with choices is the child who makes up his own choice!
For example, “Taylor, do you want to put on your pajamas first, or brush your teeth?” To which little Taylor answers, “I want to watch TV,” What to do? Just smile sweetly and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. What do you want to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?”
If your child is still reluctant to choose from the options that you offer, then simply ask, “Would you like to choose or shall I choose for you?” If an appropriate answer is not forthcoming then you can say, “I see that you want me to choose for you.” Then follow through. Make your choice and help your child-by leading or carrying him-so that he can cooperate.
™
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
Winning the Chore War
“How many times do I have to remind you to take out the trash?” Sound familiar? Household jobs are a part of every family’s daily life, yet they tend to create ongoing conflict. Give yourself a pat on the back if you assign your kids chores. It’s an important way kids learn responsibility. Even children as young as two years old can help out around the house. Here are a few pointers for making the process easier on everybody.
Have a plan. Kids thrive on routine. It’s best if they have routine chores that they do at regular times. For instance, clearing the table is done right after eating. Trash is taken out immediately after the kitchen is cleaned up. Bed is made right after dressing. The more you develop these routines, the less reminding you will have to do. When you do have to remind your child it can be a brief statement, such as “Trash Time.” With more than one child you can rotate chores, but keep in mind it will take extra effort to develop new routines. Visual reminders help kids stay on track. A poster, chart, or job board can help kids stay focused.
Train and encourage. Use a four-step process when introducing a new job. First, you do the job, narrating as you work, while the child watches. Next, do the job together. Third, the child does the job while you watch, coach, and encourage. Fourth, the child is ready to go it alone. If you eliminate training then you open the door for battles since you will both be operating under different expectations.
Follow through. Once you decide on a plan, do your best to stick to it every day. If you allow excuses and delays then you'll find yourself fighting with your child. If you have a kid who fights the routine, establish a consequence for failure to complete chores and follow through without anger or threats.
Who does what? Here’s a list of ideas to get you thinking about what your kids are capable of doing. Don’t underestimate your children! The same child who runs a complicated computer game can certainly manage the washer and dryer!
Ages 2-3
|
Ages 6-7
|
Ages 10-11
|
Ages 4-5
|
Ages 8-9
|
Ages 12-14
|
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
Sibling Rivalry
The word “sibling” refers to brothers and sisters, and “sibling rivalry” means the competitive feelings and actions that often occur among children in a family. There are things that you can do to try to reduce sibling rivalry.
· Treat each child as an individual. Help children understand that they are treated differently by you and have different privileges and responsibilities because they are different individuals.
· Respect each child’s space, toys, and time when he wants to be alone, away from his sibling.
· Avoid labeling or comparing one child to the other. This feeds into their competitiveness.
· When a new child comes into the family, adequately prepare the older sibling for her new important role. Make her feel like it’s her baby, too.
· Play detective. Watch and note when siblings are not getting along (before dinner, in the car, before bed) and plan separate quiet activities for those times.
· Watch how you treat each child to see if you are contributing to the rivalry. Make sure you are not playing favorites.
· Have realistic expectations of how they should get along, cooperate, share, and like each other.
· Positively reinforce them when they are getting along or when they solve their own conflicts.
· Make each child feel special and important. Try to spend one-on-one time with each child every day.
· Take time out for yourself to re-energize. Remember, sibling rivalry is a normal and expected part of family life.
™
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
Setting Rules and Consequences with Teens
Rules and consequences are critical to negotiating your way through the teen years. Both the rules and the consequences may change as your teen’s needs (and desires) develop. It helps to ask yourself some questions about your rules periodically.
General questions to ask about rules:
· Are they reasonable?
· Have the reasons for the rules been explained thoroughly?
· Are there too many?
· Are they enforceable?
· Has my teen been involved in making any of the rules?
· Are they consistent with other parents’ (those whom you respect) rules? Whose needs are the rules designed to meet?
Depending on the answers to these questions and what you’ve decided is your bottom line, you may be able to negotiate a relaxation of these rules, as your teen is more able to make mature decisions. Or you may find that the rules are entirely unenforceable, meaning either that you need to make changes in your life in order to enforce them or you need to give them up. For example, you may decide that you should arrange your schedule to allow being home more of the time, or simply that you need to be more aware when you are at home. Remember, no matter how reasonable the rules are, your teen’s job is to challenge them. This means that you need to be prepared to impose consequences.
Consequences need to meet certain conditions in order to be effective. They should:
· Be related to the behavior so they make sense. (Being grounded for every infraction doesn’t allow connection to a specific behavior, but if your teen damages someone else’s property, part of the consequence might be to help pay for the damage.)
· Teach your teen how to express feelings and desires in acceptable ways. (You don’t damage other people’s property just because you’re angry; anger can be expressed with words.)
· Not be so severe or unenforceable that there is no hope of compliance. (Being grounded for 6 months will contribute to noncompliance.)
· Be useful in changing behavior. (They need to be unpleasant enough that your teen doesn’t want to repeat the consequence. They should not include things that you want your child to learn to enjoy, like going to Grandma’s for a weekend.)
· Teach self-control. (Help your teen see the benefits of more freedom, less control, or something tangible like driving.)
What kinds of consequences might be useful with your teen?
The answer to this varies, depending on your values and the personality, intensity, and interests of your teen. Sometimes he or she can help you find workable consequences. However, be careful because children will sometimes be harsher on themselves than you might think necessary. The goal is to prevent unacceptable behavior and teach your teen to make mature decisions. Think through consequences in advance and take time to manage your own anger or frustration before talking to your teen. ™
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
Time Out
It’s been around since dunce caps and corners. With a modern twist, Time Out can be a valuable discipline tool.
As we go about the business of teaching our children proper behavior, there are times when emotions threaten to get out of control. When this happens, it’s wise to separate yourself from your child so that you can both cool off. Time Out can be used as an effective, positive tool. There are three different ways to use Time Out, each having a different purpose.
1. To give the child time and space to cool off and calm down.
The key here is in the attitude of the parent. In advance, let your child know that when her behavior is out of control she’ll be asked to go to her room. Tell her that when she is calm and under control she may join the family. How she chooses to use the time is her business, as long as it's respectful of people and property. Screaming or pounding the door is not acceptable; reading a book or other activities is fine. This is a valuable life skill that will prevent your child from “flying off the handle” and saying and doing things she might regret later.
Never drag a child to his Time Out. This robs you of the upper hand and makes you look foolish. Let him know in advance that when asked to remove himself he needs to do so immediately. If he does not, he'll be choosing to give up a privilege (one you have specified in advance), in addition to Time Out.
2. To give the parent time and space to cool off and calm down.
There are times when we get so angry at our children that we want to scream, hit, or ground them for life! This is the time to use a four-letter-word: E X I T. Make a brief statement, “I’m so angry, I need a minute to think.” Then go to your room or send the child to his room so that you can calm down and regroup. This will help you get yourself under control, and it provides good modeling for your children.
3. As a method for stopping a specific misbehavior.
This can be an excellent way to put an immediate stop to a child’s action. It brings a strong message, “This behavior is unacceptable and it will stop now.” There are several keys:
Be quick. Catch your child in the act. Delayed reactions dilute the effect.
Use selectively. Use for hitting, talking back, and whining or other specific problems. Don't over-use.
Keep calm. Your anger only adds fuel to the fire and changes the focus from the behavior of the child to your anger. This prevents you from being in control.
Stick with it. Once you say, "Time Out," don't back down or be talked out of it. If you decide to use Time Out to control hitting, for example, use it every time your child hits, even if he spends most of the day in Time Out! Eventually, he'll decide that it's more fun to play without hitting than to sit alone in his room.
Time Out is one more effective discipline tool for parents. When used with other positive parenting methods it helps you feel good about the job you are doing with your kids.
™
Elizabeth Pantley, Author, Parent Educator, and President of Better Beginnings, Inc., http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
The Four Conditions of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem develops when the primary needs of life have been appropriately satisfied. Self-esteem can be gained when people experience positive feelings within four distinct conditions. All four of these conditions should be present continuously for a high sense of self-esteem to be developed and maintained. No one condition is more important than another. If any condition is not adequately provided for, there is a decrease or distortion of self-esteem. Can you see how young people with low self-esteem are drawn into gang membership?
|
|
|
Connectiveness
Does the child and/or teenager show signs of being connected to his or her own body, important persons, people in important roles, social, and community groups?
Problem Indicators
· does not communicate easily;
· is unable to listen or understand other points of view;
· overly shy or withdrawn;
· talks negatively about race, family, ethnic group;
· seldom, if ever, volunteers to help others;
· dislikes and is disliked by peers;
· uncomfortable around adults or constantly seeks attention;
· needs to be the center of things;
· more often relates to things or animals rather than people;
· has trouble stating ideas, feelings, or needs directly;
· Is uncomfortable touching or being touched.
How Parents Can Help
· respond to child with personal attention;
· show affection by smile, tone of voice, physical response;
· be specific in praising child and/or teenager;
· show approval when a child and/or teenager relates well to others;
· encourage child to take credit for his or her accomplishments;
· provide opportunities for child and/or teenager to make friends;
· share feelings, interests, hobbies with child;
· spend time alone with child and/or teenager.
Uniqueness
Does the child and/or teenager show signs of feeling he or she can do things no one else can do, of feeling that others think he or she has special qualities, of respecting him or her self as an imaginative or creative or special individual?
Problem Indicators
· speaks negatively about him or her self or accomplishments;
· show little pride in appearance;
· shows little imagination or originality;
· shows little regard for own ideas, interests, abilities;
· is uncomfortable when singled out;
· seeks recognition often, shows off when it is inappropriate;
· follows peers’ wishes or ideas slavishly.
How Parents Can Help
· accept and/or encourage child’s ideas, especially when different;
· communicate acceptance even when behavior must be limited;
· find positive aspects of unusual ideas and/or behaviors;
· accept necessary experimentation with jobs, activities;
· respect a child’s performing chores in own way;
· respect privacy of own room.
Power
Does the child and/or teenager show signs of feeling he or she has the capability and resources to accomplish his or her goals, make decisions and solve problems, and shape his or her own life?
Problem Indicators
· avoids taking responsibility or initiating activities;
· has limited skills for age;
· acts helpless or gives up easily;
· lacks emotional self-control, becomes frustrated easily;
· is excessively demanding or stubborn;
· wants to have his or her own way all the time;
· follows whatever others say or do; does not express own wishes.
How Parents Can Help
· encourage personal responsibility;
· help child become aware of own decision making process;
· help child evaluate problem solving process;
· affirm child’s success;
· respect child’s present level of competence;
· encourage child to set personal short and/or long term goals.
Models
Does the child and/or teenager show signs of knowing how he or she should be or act, who to respect, who to look to for help, what to believe, how to know the truth, or who his or her heroes or ideals are?
Problem Indicators
· gets confused easily, wastes time in aimless activity;
· is poorly organized in thinking and/or behavior;
· is confused about right or wrong;
· has a difficult time deciding what to do or say;
· responds to instructions in a confused or rebellious way;
· is unsure about methods or aims when working with others;
· has rigid standards and expects others to conform to them.
How Parents Can Help
· be a role model, act according to your beliefs;
· expose child to people you regard highly;
· help child and/or teenager understand what they believe;
· let child and/or teenager know what you believe;
· help child and/or teenager set realistic goals for behavior, learning;
· help child gain understanding of how to perform tasks;
· emphasize strengths rather than liabilities;
· expose child to people who have overcome obstacles;
· try to understand the hopes and fears that motivate behavior.
–
Understanding and Handling of Feelings Typical of Children in Placement
There are five emotions that most children who are in foster care seem to experience to some degree. These feelings are:
1. Confusion
Because the child's initial placement is often the result of a crisis, he or she is usually unprepared for the move. Being moved to the home of strangers may cause such a shock that the child is unable to hear or comprehend explanations given to him or her. The child is likely thinking: "Where am I going? Why? Where is my mother? Will my parents find me? Where are my brothers and sisters? Are they all right? What's going to happen? Will I like these foster parents? Will they be nice to me? Why did this happen?" The child is unlikely to verbalize confusion, but we can assume he or she is experiencing it.
2. Anger
When recovered from the shock of the move, the child is most likely to feel angry. The anger may be directed towards him or herself, the foster or adoptive family, the caseworker or others. Most children, especially younger children, cannot acknowledge anger towards their primary parents. Even when the child does make angry statements about his primary parents, it is important not to agree with him or her, but rather to acknowledge how the child is feeling.
3. Ambivalence and mixed feelings
The mixed feelings a child experiences - rejection and attachment, love and hate, trust and mistrust - can be summarized as ambivalence. Most children have mixed feelings about their primary parents, and their foster or adoptive parents, and their caseworker too.
4. Fantasizing and wishful thinking
When the truth is painful and overwhelming, it is easy to see how a child can fantasize. At times, it may seem that a child is lying about his situation, but in fact the story he or she tells may simply be wishful thinking, or it may reflect the child's lack of understanding about the situation.
5. Identification with birth family
In spite of all of the feelings described above, the child will still feel a strong sense of identification with his or her family. Most children, with the exceptions of some teens, would prefer to be living with their families, even if they were abused in that setting. Children usually love their foster or their adoptive families, but it is important to remember that these feelings are separate from the love they feel for the birth family or other primary family.
Suggestions for Helping a Child
1. Confusion
· Give factual information about the child's situation.
· Retain as much of child's old schedule as possible.
· Use stories, dolls, puppets, and pictures to explain.
· Be aware of child's attention span.
· Be non-judgmental.
2. Anger
· Teach acceptable ways to express anger.
· Evaluate your acceptance of angry feelings.
· Get support from caseworker, other foster parents.
3. Ambivalence
· Teach that ambivalence is natural.
· Encourage positive feelings while acknowledging negative feelings.
4. Fantasizing and wishful thinking
· Consider that the child may be fantasizing instead of lying.
· Give factual information.
· Be aware of reactions of other children in the home.
· Agree that it would be nice if the fantasy were true.
· Check with the caseworker about the facts of the situation about which the child is fantasizing.
5. Identification
· Support family ties when possible.
· Learn about the child's family traditions and incorporate them into yours.
· Get pictures of the child's family for his/her room.
· Help the child to remember family birthdays, and special occasions.
· Point out the positive ways in which the child is like family members.
· Not changing the child's hairstyle without permission from the primary parent.
· Keeping the child's old clothes.
· Keeping the child's given name (in adoption).
™
Vera Fahlberg, A Child’s Journey Through Placement. Perspective Press. 1991.
