Session 7: The Importance of Maintaining and Support Connections

The Impact of Substance Abuse/Chemical Dependency on Children and Families

The Impact of Mental Illness on Children and Families

The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children and Families

The Voice of a Child

30 Things Adolescents often Wish they Knew about their Birthparents

Nicole

If I Can Do It Others Can

Bridging the Gap Between Foster Families and Birth Families

The Impact of Substance Abuse/Chemical Dependency on Children and Families

Definitions

Substance abuse occurs when a person displays behavior harmful to self or others as a result of using the substance.  This can happen with only one instance of use, but it generally builds over time, eventually leading to addiction.  Chemical dependency, also called addiction, involves loss of control over the use of the substance, continued use despite adverse consequences, development of increasing tolerance to the substance, and withdrawal symptoms when the drug use is reduced or stopped.

Causes

There are different theories about how abuse/addiction starts and what causes substance abuse/dependency.  According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), substance-related disorders are biopsychosocial, meaning they are caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors.

It is important to remember that people suffering from abuse/addiction are not choosing to be in the situation they are in.  Try to see those who are addicted as separate from their disease.  In other words, they should be seen as “sick and trying to get well,” not as “bad people who need to improve themselves.”  This will help you to remember to be compassionate and nonjudgmental in your approach.

Impact on Children

Some estimates indicate that as many as fifty to eighty percent of substantiated child abuse and neglect cases involve some degree of substance abuse by the child’s parents.  It is helpful to remember that the child of a parent with abuse/addiction problems still loves his/her parent, even though the parent may have abused or neglected the child.

Adapted from materials by Stephen Bogan, M.A., Department of Social and Health Services,Olympia, WA.

The Effects of Substance Abuse on Parenting

It is important to remember that when a parent is involved with drugs or alcohol to a degree that interferes with his/her ability to parent effectively, a child may suffer in a number of ways:

·         A parent’s overriding involvement with alcohol and other drugs may leave the parent emotionally and physically unavailable to the child.

·         A parent’s mental functioning, judgment, inhibitions, and/or protective capacity may be seriously impaired by alcohol or drug use, placing the child at increased risk of all forms of abuse and neglect.

·         A substance-abusing parent may “disappear” for hours or days, leaving the child alone or with someone unable to meet the child’s basic needs.

·         A parent may also spend the family’s income on alcohol and/or other drugs, depriving the child of adequate food, clothing, housing, and health care.

·         The resulting lack of resources often leads to unstable housing, which results in frequent school changes, loss of friends and belongings, and an inability to maintain important support systems (churches, sports teams, neighbors).

·         A child’s health and safety may be seriously jeopardized by criminal activity associated with the use, manufacture, and distribution of illicit drugs in the home.

·         A child may be placed at increased risk for sexual abuse with the parent’s substance-abusing friends coming in and out of the home.

·         Eventually, a parent’s substance abuse may lead to criminal behavior and periods of incarceration, depriving the child of parental care.

·         Consistent exposure to parental abuse of alcohol and other drugs, along with lack of stability and appropriate role models, may contribute to the child’s own substance abuse.

What the Child Experiences

From a child’s perspective, a parent’s substance abuse is usually characterized by the following:

ü        Broken Promises

To go somewhere with the family, do something with the children, not drink that day, not get high on some occasion.  The children grow up thinking they are not loved or important enough for their parents to keep their promises.

ü        Inconsistency and Unpredictability

With rules and limits that seem to change with the occasion, and parents who can be loving one moment and abusive the next.

ü        Shame and Humiliation

As alcohol or drugs take over and suddenly turn an otherwise lovely parent into a loathsome embarrassment.

ü        Tension and Fear

Because the children never know what will happen next.  Children of substance-abusing parents typically feel unsafe at home, the environment in which they should feel most protected.

ü        Paralyzing Guilt and an Unwarranted Sense of Responsibility

For the problem.  Many children think they cause their parents’ behavior.  Part of the disease is to blame someone else for it, and the children grow up thinking that if they were better students, more obedient, neater, more reliable, or nicer to their siblings, the problem would disappear.

ü        Anger and Hurt

About being neglected, mistreated, and deemed less important than the alcohol or drugs.  The children grow up with a profound sense of abandonment.

ü        Loneliness and Isolation

Because the family tries desperately to deny or hide the problem and often will not even discuss it among themselves.  The children, with no one to talk to about the most important thing in their lives, think they are the only ones with this problem.

ü        Lying as a Way of Life

To constantly cover for the failure of the parent, or account for his/her deviant behavior.

ü        Feeling Responsible

To organize and run the home and care for younger siblings.

ü        Feeling Obliged

To hide the problem from authorities in order to protect the parent.

–

Adapted from When Your Parent Drinks Too Much: A Book for Teenagers, Eric Ryerson, New York: Facts on File, Inc., 1985

Used with permission from CASA National © 2002

The Impact of Mental Illness on Children and Families

The Facts

ü      Today, in the United States, over thirty-five million people suffer from some sort of mental illness.

ü      Mental illness affects one in four families and is more prevalent than cancer and heart and lung disease combined.

ü      The vast majority of people with a mental illness are not dangerous.

ü      Mental illness is treatable with various combinations of therapy and drugs.

Statistics from the National Resource Center on Child Maltreatment, www.gocwi.org/NRCCM.

Definition

Definitions of mental illness have changed over time, across cultures, across national—and even state—boundaries. Mental illness is diagnosed based on the nature and severity of an individual’s symptoms. If a person meets the diagnostic criteria as set forth in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), currently in its fourth edition, he/she may be diagnosed with a particular disorder such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, alcohol dependence, and so on. The term “dual diagnosis” indicates that an individual has two sets of problems, such as a substance abuse problem and a psychiatric disorder.

Ethnic & Cultural Considerations

There is increasing recognition that the standards for research and definitions of health and illness (and treatment) are biased because they are derived from a white, middle-class perspective. Although special efforts were made in the development of the DSM-IV (the standard medical diagnostic resource) to incorporate cultural information to try to reduce bias, it is important to remember that the assessment and treatment of mental illness are ethnically and culturally biased.

Causes

There is no single model or perspective that accounts for all instances of mental illness. Some disorders have a predominately biological or neurological basis; others seem to be more related to life experiences and trauma, or difficulties in communication. Many see the genesis of a mental illness as a complex interaction between innate or inherited traits and stressors. Mental illness affects the whole person—mentally, physically, psychologically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

Impact on Children & Families

The biggest obstacle facing those suffering from mental illness is the lack of appropriate, effective treatment. This lack may be a result of misunderstanding the need for treatment or being afraid to seek it due to the stigma associated with mental illness in U.S. culture. Untreated mental illness can lead to isolation and despair for individuals and families. A parent may be so incapacitated by anxiety or depression that he/she is unable to care for his/her child. Or a parent may have halluci­nations or delusions, which make him/her a danger to himself/herself, or his/her children. Regardless of the type of disorder, people suffering from mental illness have a diminished ability to cope with the normal demands of life. The degree to which their functioning is impaired varies from mild to severe. It is important to note that with medication and/or therapy, most people with mental illness can function normally.

In addition to understanding mental illness, it is critical to have some idea of the parent’s level of functioning in order to make recommendations that address the likelihood that parents can remedy the problems that initiated their involvement with the child protective services system. A person’s level of functioning can be affected by many factors; some, not all, are related to mental illness. It is important to distinguish between mental illness and other kinds of limitations. For example, many adults have limited intellectual abilities (the term formerly used was mentally retarded) or specific learning disabilities. These limitations, just like physical ones, have a range of severity. At the mild end, parents with diminished intellectual capacity may not be able to understand the court system with its complex language or the many written documents presented to them by the child protective services agency. At the severe end of the scale, parents with grave intellectual limitations may not be able to provide basic daily care for themselves, much less for a child.

Treatment

Availability of mental health treatment varies and its effectiveness depends on a variety of factors. People are unique, possessing their own strengths, weaknesses, and cultural differences. A well-designed treatment plan takes these differences into account. Healers and practices from the person’s cultural tradition (e.g., the use of prayer or meditation) can be included with other, more “Western,” approaches, which might include specialized inpatient treatment (e.g., for substance abuse), medication, individual and/or group counseling, self-help groups (e.g., Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and other Twelve Step programs), and education or training (e.g., parenting classes, anger management training).

Used with permission from CASA National © 2002

The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children and Families

The Problem

An estimated two to six million women are victims of domestic violence in the United States each year. The violence ranges from threats of violence to slaps to hitting to severe beating, rape, and even murder. Ninety-five percent of assaults on spouses or ex-spouses are committed by men against women. Victims and perpetrators are from all age, racial, socioeconomic, sexual orientation, educational, occupational, geographic, and religious groups.

Statistics from Understanding Violence Against Women, Nancy Crowell and Ann Burgess, Washington, DC:

National Research Council/National Academy Press, 1996.

Typical characteristics:

ü      A conspiracy of silence prevails;

ü      The batterer often “presents” better than the victim;

ü      The victim may “present” as angry and frustrated;

ü      There is generally no “record” of the violence; or

ü      There is a recurring cycle of family tension, followed by the batterer’s explosion, followed by a period of calm (often filled with apologies and promises) that then begins to build back to tension.

Domestic violence is about control and domination. When a battered spouse leaves the family home (or the batterer is forced to leave), the batterer feels a loss of control formerly exerted. This makes the batterer even more likely to be violent. This increased level of danger makes many victims reluctant to leave, even when the consequence of not doing so may be the placement of children in foster care.

Definition

Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use to control their current or former intimate partners (i.e., spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, lover, etc.). Domestic violence does occur with women abusing men or in same-sex relationships, but abuse by men victimizing women is the most common.

Causes

Domestic violence stems from one person’s need to dominate and control another. Domestic violence is not caused by illness, genetics or gender, alcohol or other drugs, anger, stress, the victim’s behavior, or relationship problems. However, such factors may play a role in the complex of factors that result in domestic violence.

Domestic violence is learned behavior; it is a choice.

·         It is learned through observation, experience, and reinforcement (perpetrators perceive that it works).

·         It is learned in the family, in society, and in the media.

Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship

For people who have not experienced domestic violence, it is hard to understand why the victim stays—or returns again and again to reenter the cycle of violence. The primary reason given by victims for staying with their abusers is fear of continued violence and the lack of real options to be safe with their children. This fear of violence is real; domestic violence usually escalates when victims leave their relationship. In addition to fear, the lack of shelter, protection, and support creates barriers to leaving. Other barriers include lack of employment and legal assistance; being immobilized by psychological and physical trauma; cultural/religious/family values; continuing to hope and believe the perpetrator’s promises to change; and being told by others (police, friends, family, counselors, etc.) that the violence is the victim’s fault and that she could stop the abuse by simply complying with her abuser’s demands. Leaving a violent relationship is often a process that takes place over time, as the victim can access resources she needs. The victim may leave temporarily many times before making a final separation.

Adapted from Domestic Violence: A National Curriculum for Children’s Protective Services. Anne Ganley and Susan Schechter, Family Violence Prevention Fund, 1996.

Impact on Children

Lenore Walker, author of Battered Women, describes the world of children who grow up in violent homes:

Children who live in battering relationships experience the most insidious form of child abuse. Whether or not they are physically abused by either parent is less important than the psychological scars they bear from watching their fathers beat their mothers. They learn to become part of a dishonest conspiracy of silence. They learn to lie to prevent inappropriate behavior, and they learn to suspend fulfillment of their needs rather than risk another confrontation. They expend a lot of energy avoiding problems. They live in a world of make-believe.

Children in families where there is domestic violence are at great risk of becoming victims of abuse themselves. Studies indicate this group is fifteen times more likely to experience child abuse than children in nonviolent homes are. Over half of children in families where the mother is battered are also abused. In some cases, children may try to intervene and protect their mothers, getting caught in the middle of the violence. In most cases, however, children are also targets of the violence.

At least seventy-five percent of children whose mothers are battered witness the violence. In some cases, the batterer deliberately arranges for the child to witness it. The effect on children’s development can be just as severe for those who witness abuse as for those who are abused. Witnessing violence at home is even more harmful than witnessing a fight or shooting in a violent neighborhood. It has the most negative impact when the victim or perpetrator is the child’s parent or caregiver.

Statistics from “Children: The Forgotten Victims of Domestic Violence,” Janet Chiancone, ABA Child Law Practice Journal, July 1997.

Used with permission from CASA National © 2002

My family and I had been fostering for twelve years when I met Kim in the residential home where I worked part-time as a counselor. Kim was twelve years old and fun-spirited, with an engaging personality. I brought the idea of Kim living with us to the attention of my husband, my eighteen-year-old son, and fifteen-year-old daughter. We all agreed we wanted to meet Kim to see if she wanted to stay with us.

Kim was excited at the idea. She was a little hesitant because she had some strong issues when it came to foster families. She was relieved when I told her we worked as a team and her needs were important to us all.

The first family meeting was the “get acquainted” meeting or, as the children put it, the “checking you out” meeting. Laughing and eating pizza around the kitchen table seemed so natural.

Yet I knew the two other foster families where she had lived during her first three years of foster care, and they were well respected. I was puzzled why Kim was removed from her first home and ran from her second. I was especially puzzled about the first home situation because her three sisters were still living there.

When asked why she left her other foster homes, Kim became serious and intense. Her reason was, “I wanted to see my Mom and my sisters hated my Mom. I wanted to go home with her and I felt no one there (at the foster home) would help me.”

Kim loved her sisters but couldn’t handle fighting to justify wanting to live with her mother. As she struggled to be reunited with her Mom, her grades suffered and her temperament became unpredictable.

She admits being angry and talking back to her first foster mother. But, she explained, her visits with her mother were used as privileges to be taken away from her if she misbehaved. She knew her birth mother wasn't completing the Judge’s court orders, but she felt her Mom was trying.

Her mother needed Kim in her corner and Kim seemed to be the only one believing in her. The more her sisters and the adults in her life criticized her mother, the more Kim fought for her. Energies she needed to play, create, and learn were used to fight for her right to be with her mother. It became “you against me.”

After hearing her viewpoint of her past life and future plans, I understood why she voiced her demands from the start. Kim wanted to see her Mom, talk about her Mom, and one day, go home to her Mom.

What she didn’t know about me was that, as a foster parent, I believe the stronger the healthy connections are between a child and her birth family, the more resources I have available to help the child.

I never discourage children from talking about their birth families. Understanding their families aids me in understanding the children. If I want to do my part in helping children understand their futures, there isn't any room for judgment. Who they are is where they have come from. The people who take part in the growing years of a child make an imprint on the child's life; they all become a piece of who and what the child becomes.

Without compromising the child's safety, I try to bring back into the child's life the missing pieces.

Beginning the Joining Process

When Kim came to live with us, I concentrated on convincing her that I valued her family relationships. Effective communication was critical if we were going to connect.

She talked incessantly about her mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. She missed them all. It was in her voice, in her eyes as she spoke of her countless memories.

She and her family were always moving from home to home. She cherished the happy memories with her siblings and her mother. Kim held tightly to the good memories of her dad even though they were tarnished by his fits of anger, during which he would physically batter the children and her mother.

Her mother took the brunt of his temper tantrums. Kim whispered to me, “No one at DSS thought about how my Mom was treated. She tried to get us away from him but he wouldn’t let her. She was so scared of him.”

Kim was like a flood gate that opened up and the waters were her pent up feelings. She needed someone to hear her.

I knew my listening was crucial. Kim needed to build trust in me. My trust in her would wait. I listened without giving advice or correcting her. I reflected what she said by repeating her story in my words. I leaned towards her, showing she had my attention and at the same time respecting her right for space.

I asked her, “Kim, if you could make the plan for your life from this day forward, what would it be?”

Her answer never wavered. “I want to go home with my mother,” she said. “I want people to understand her and help her to get me back.”

“What if your brother and sisters aren't ready to go home or don't want to go?”

“That is their decision,” she replied. “I want to go.”

Building the Team

The first step for me was to find out who was on “Kim’s Team.” I needed to talk to her social worker, her mother, her mother’s new husband, any supportive family members, her sisters, her first and second foster parents, her therapist, and her guardian ad litem. Her father was off limits to the children and their caretakers, so this contact would have to wait.

It was essential that everyone on Kim’s Team agree on the definition of the team. Often, I hear people say they are on a team, but their actions say differently.

A team is a group of people who have the same goals that are their highest priority to accomplish. A team consists of members of different personalities, skills, and experiences. They commit themselves to the objectives that will meet the team's goals. They do this through dedicating themselves to certain activities, as developed by the team as a whole. The members do not seek personal achievement but support one another, communicate openly, and maintain a clear understanding of each other.

It may be too much to expect the birth family to be a part of the team: if they do participate, it only makes sense they want personal achievement. If they decide to be active on the team, their part in achieving their goal would be important to the process.

If a team works together and meets on a regular basis, the benefits can be incredible. If the goal for the child is in the child's best interest and the team works toward that goal together, the child wins. The benefits include support, trust, open communication, commitment, sharing of resources and strengths, joint partnership in making decisions and solutions, and sharing of responsibilities and rewards.

Family Bonds and Grief

Usually children who enter foster care want to return home to their families, whether it is safe or not. If they can't go home, they want to see their parents. If that isn't immediately possible, they at least want to talk to them. Children identify with their own family. This family is a part of them.

Kim looks like her Mom and her siblings. They share a common history and a bond, one she fought to preserve even when some family members resisted.

Children start grieving for their birth family from the moment they are removed from their parents’ care. Until the children can see that their family is alive and nearby, they are stuck in their grief stages. Much is the same for their birth parents. They experience grief as well. (For more information on grief go to http://ssw.unc.edu/fcrp/fp/fp_vol4no2/understanding_birth_family_grief.htm)

Engaging Kim’s Mom

Kim’s mother was very angry at me and at the DSS social workers. She didn’t think she should have been blamed for the family’s destruction. She left the family to get a job so she could come back and take her five children. Many times before she tried to take her children with her, but her husband found her. Her last plan failed, too, when she found out her husband willingly volunteered the children to the department of social services, accusing her of abandonment. This was what the Judge ruled when Kim's Mom tried to win her children back.

She refused to accept the verdict and resisted the Judge’s orders: parenting classes, therapy, stable employment, and adequate housing. She had the employment and was ready for a larger apartment if the children could come home. But she felt she didn't need to do the other things.

When I first met her she was forceful and angry. But when I acted in ways to build her trust in me, such as sitting behind her in court to support her and giving her updates on Kim’s daily developments, she mellowed. In time, she did all she was ordered to do. Kim’s mother had a personal disaster which lengthened Kim’s return, but throughout the years, she showed her love to Kim. Kim and I wrote a letter to the Judge stating our strong support for reunification and listed the factual proof of Kim’s mother’s involvement with her.

In the five years Kim lived with us, her mother, my husband, and I shared in parenting Kim. Her mother attended all of Kim’s school events, meetings, and church activities. She and I developed the house rules and consequences and we enforced them together: she chose to use the same discipline plan with Kim on her visits home.

Kim’s grandmother stepped forward when Kim’s mother needed a support person to help her raise Kim in her teen years. In the end, Kim, her mother, and her grandmother lived together for two and a half years until Kim went out on her own.

Kim needed this time to reconnect with her family. There were hard times (raising a teen is difficult for any parent) but the good times were wonderful. Kim regained her relationships with her siblings as the years passed. I felt instrumental in aiding Kim on her adolescent journey and we will be there for her throughout her life.

An unexpected benefit to being a foster parent for Kim and working with her birth family was that our two families became one. Kim never felt she had to choose one family over another.

Not all children have happy endings. There are birth families who don’t want to cooperate or are dangerous to their children and others. There are absent parents. There are children who don't want to reunite.

Even so, there are ways to help children gather information about their families and understand their situation. Time spent helping children fill in their life's gaps through talking and creating a life book builds a stronger relationship between foster parents, social workers, and the child. In the end, the child wins.

–

Donna Gillespie Foster, an author, national trainer, and consultant, lives in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her years as a foster parent have been her greatest learning tool. Included are excerpts from her books, Fostering Relationships: Working with the Birth Family and Team Building: A Workbook for Foster Families and Social Workers, published through American Foster Care Resources, Inc.

Used with permission from the Jordan Institute for Families, North Carolina.  Copyright 2000 Jordan Institute for Families.  http://ssw.unc.edu/jif/

30 Things Adolescents Often Wish They Knew About Their Birthparents [15]

As a court appointed agent working with adopted adolescents in search, Laurie Elliot, adoptive mother of 9 children, found that many older adolescents lacked the following basic information about themselves:

1.            What are my birthparents’ first and middle names?

2.            Where was I born (hospital and city)?

3.            What time was I born?

4.            Were there any complications at the time of my birth?

5.            Did my birthmother see or hold me?

6.            Who else was present at my birth?

7.            What were the circumstances surrounding my placement?

8.            Did my birthmother pick my adoptive family?

9.            Did my birthmother know anything about my adoptive family? Did she meet my adoptive parents?

10.        What did my birthmother name me?

11.        Does anyone else in my birth family know about me? Who knows what?

12.        How old were my birthparents when I was born?

13.        Were my birthparents married when I was born?

14.        Where did my birthparents go to high school? College?

15.        What kind of students were they?

16.        What religious backgrounds do my birthparents have?

17.        What is my racial/ethnic background?

18.        Did my birthparents marry each other or anyone else after I was born? Do I have biological siblings? Do they know about me?

19.        Did I go to a foster home after leaving the hospital?

20.        What was my foster family’s name? How long was I there?

21.        What do my birthmother and birthfather look like? May I have a picture of them?

22.        Are my birthparents still alive?

23.        Do my birthparents love me?

24.        Do my birthparents think about me? Did they ever regret their decision?

25.        Do my birthparents have any special talents, hobbies, or interests?

26.        What traits did I inherit from my birthparents? Personality? Looks? Talents?

27.        Did my birthparents write to me over the years (journal/letters in a file)?

28.        Are there any medical concerns I should know about?

29.        If I called my birthparents or wanted to meet them someday, what would they do?

30.        What should I call my birthparents?